14.1.2021

I think he is just using me.

He takes what he can and then I'm nothing. At least that is how I feel right now. He wants to spend time with me when he can gain something. But when I ask to spend time with just me, suddenly he is really busy. When i feel like shit and want to talk he just talks about himself and his problems. 

I used to think he doesn't do it on purpose. Honestly I don't know anymore and I hate it. I want to trust him! I'm just getting really hurt.

He doesn't ask me to spend time with him, but he asks other people right in front of me, and when they say no he whines he has to go alone. I feel like air. I don't want to be treated this way. I don't want to be the last choice! 

I know I'm being really harsh on him. I'm just really tired of feeling worthless and replaceable. I'm tired of asking and not receiving even an answer. I feel like SHIT. 

And I know he feels like shit himself because of his situation. I just didn't sign up to be lied to, deceived and hurt daily. I also know part of this feeling is in my head, I know I'm not stable. 

This whole rant makes me feel worse. I hate getting mad at him but I'm allso hurting really bad. Again.

23.10.2020

Why I let myself hope for good things. 

I KNEW HE WOULD LEAVE ME ALONE! I FUCKING KNEW IT! And still I let myself hope. I asked for one thing. I never ask. I just didn't want to collapse today. And what happened?

He promised. Over slept. Left me alone for the whole day. Then came to see me for an hour just to vent about his problems. I know it is hard for him. I'm not really blaming him for it,well I am but I understand. I just let myself need him. Now he is seeing her. I hope it helps him, I'm not overly confident about that tho.

I have been a therapist for my dad, mom and him the whole day. The ONE FUCKING DAY I NEEDED HELP. I just want to not talk to him. I want to close the door in his face and yell to him for hurting me. I keep waiting for him to come here for the night even tho I know he will say he is too broken to see me. I know he will not be here. 

In fact I'm so confident he won't come that I'm drinking. Poika has been trying to save me. He knows I'm falling but I can't stop. Everything hurts. Alcohol helps. I can be numb. Even if it's just for the night.

I want to help him. I really do. But it's really hard. I can't help someone who isn't helping himself and hurts me in the process.

I just want to die. Then I can be free.

20.9.2020

How long do I have to hold on? 

The emotions are killing me. I just feel so bad right now I could throw up. My friend is moving on and I'm so so happy for him! I'm just waiting for him to move on from me also. Because I know it will happen. It happened last time. 

He went back to the one he loved. I heard about it two MONTHS later. He dated her for two months and never said a word. Ofcourse I knew. I have eyes. But he didn't want to tell me about it. 

Thing that hurt me was that he didn't tell me and because he didn't want to talk about it he ghosted me. Completely. I just let myself open up and then he disappears. I wanted to hurt him. I was so mad. I wanted to destroy him. And at the same time I was so happy for him. Because he deserves to be happy. I just couldn't control myself. 

He is my best person and that makes it ten times harder. Everything I feel about him, good and bad, is so much more forceful. If he does something that hurts me it feels like I'm going to die. He never means it like that. He doesn't want to hurt me. I'm just messed up in my head. But the feeling when he is free and moving on and I'm stuck in the same shit... I'm so jealous. 

I know what I want from my life. I also know I can never have it. I don't know if I can ever move on and live MY LIFE! I don't have the luxury. I just have to live the life people tell me is mine.

I just want to give up. I want him to find a person to trust. Everyone just not to depend on me and the I can die. I don't want to leave them but I don't want to be here anymore. I know that one day they don't need me anymore and that is the day I will be free to go. 

I want to die.

3.8.2020

Life is full of really hard choices. I'm in front of one right now. I feel like the life I have now is done. I have seen everything there is to this shit. The choice I have to make is who I take with me when I change everything. 

I think I love him. I should. So many years behind us. Still, I don't know if I can fix the feeling that is not there anymore. 

I don't know if it's because I want to be free or is it just him. He used to be the love of my life. I don't feel like that anymore. I don't feel anything. More I try to make myself feel the love that used to be there, more I resent him. I feel something towards him, ofcourse. I share EVERYTHING with him. Don't know if that is enough anymore.

Our lives are so intertwined that the break up would be really hard. My best friend is his family. And you know, family comes first. He bought a house. Our dog will stay with him. I can't leave my pet. How can I destroy everything because I'm not feeling well. He still loves me, he wants me and I want to run.

And then I would be alone. Truly alone.

11.7.2020

I TOLD HIM! I FUCKING TOLD HIM WHAT I AM!!

I told him I'm a bad person. I told him not to trust me. I told him not to see me as a saint like everyone else!!!

And what he does?! Suddenly I see the pedestal he has put me on. I can't handle expectations from one person and now I have them from two. 

I have already done things he would hate. Only because I was mad at him. My brain wanted him to hurt as much as I was hurting. Sad thing is I did those things before I was able to trust him. After that I actually opened up to him and let my self trust. When he finds out it will all be gone.

I need to learn. I need to stay away from people because my lies and actions only hurt. I need to die. 

I can't control my emotions and actions. It is so hard! When I feel good it is possible. When I feel bad I don't care who I hurt. I need my needs met and I won't stop even if I know I should. And that is the moment I fuck up my life. That is the moment I hurt everyone. 

My lies will catch after me and when they do I'm going to be alone. Silverlining to that is then I'm gonna be able to end it all. I can actually leave this place that only hurts me. I wait that day with dread and longing.

1.3.2020

I wanted to buy a sweater today. It wasn't even expensive, 25€. But before even trying it on I felt panic raising. I'm not worth even that. 

So I moved on. Left it there. Next shelf had a beautiful jacket. That was actually pretty pricey, 50€. I almost choked. The feeling of wanting to be worth it so badly but realizing that I will never be hurt me so deeply. It made me realize even more that I'm  not worth anything. So I went to get my man and we left the store and I don't want to go to a clothing store again.

How am I going to justify spending on myself when I could help my family who are so much more valuable than me. There is no reasons to use money on me. I'm not a good person so there is no point to spend on me.

I also realized that I'm not suposed to want people spending their time or effort on me. I have been feeling insulted about not getting the same amount of effort back that I give people. But that is not for me. I'm not meant to get attention! I'm here to please and help when needed. Nothing more.

S

What do I say. 

You have loved me trough thick and thin. You have been there when no one else was and I love you so much for that. You have the biggest heart ever and I can't believe I got to have it. 

I'm so sorry for what I have done. I know you must be horrified and devastated of my actions. And you should be. I was once again thinking only myself. What I do a lot. And you don't deserve it.

I know you love me and I love you too. I was just not meant to be there for you forever. I'm not a good person and you need a good person by your side! I hope you find that. I hope you find the love everyone dreams about. Because you, if anyone deserves the world.

I know I sound harsh. I don't mean it like that. I loved the time we had! The happiness, the sadness, the joy, the fights. I loved our trips and the silly things we did. I loved our little family and I loved that I had a family to be a part of. 

This is the hardest one to write because I really don't want to write it. I love you so much and the thought of leaving you behind tears my heart a part. Just know, I tried to hold on.

Aina.